Farce on the upper Waveney

by John Duff

 

A Green Wyvern cruise is sometimes not what it seems though, heaven knows, the Club boasts the best actors outside equity!

 

ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
Waveney House Hotel, Beccles ;
Present Puck, Shruff, Force Four;
Absent: Sparklet (en-route)
MONSIEUR PIP:         Bonjeur mes amis, ce soir nous allons a Geldeston Locks.
FLEET:                     Bon.

SCENE TWO
Geldeston Locks; 
Present: Puck, Shruff; 
Absent:Sparklet, Force Four
HERR PIP                   (in poor Teutonic accent):  Zie  pub is closed.
FLEET:                       Mein Gott
HERR PIP:                   Ve vill go to zie village.
FLEET:                       Gut.

SCENE THREE
The bifurcation; 
Present: Puck, Sparklet (en-route from Beccles)
ANDY                         (fortissimo):  Pip! What the blazes is going on?
SENOR PIP               (in even worse Hispanic accent):  El pubbo is shutto. Go to the village.
ANDY:                        You must go downriver and tell Force Four.
SENOR PIP:    Si.

ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
100 yards down river from the bifurcation;
Present:Puck
MONSIEUR PIP:         Eh bien, mon brave. Heurusement, je suis one of the most laid back
                               skippers dans le Green Wyvern.
                               (Crew of Puck perplexed by improbable statement.)

SCENE TWO
Half a mile do wn river from the bifurcation.; 
Present: Puck (sailing downriver),;  Force Four (sailing upriver in the distance)
HERR PIP:                   Zer  ist Force Four. They can see us now.  Go about Johann.
JOHANN:                    Jawohl mein commodore.
                                 (Puck goes about.)
HERR PIP:              Donner und blitzen!  Force Four has gone about too and is sailing back                               to Beccles.  We’re doomed!

Herr Pip launches into 5 minutes of expletives deleted, while contemplating his vanishing reputation as a commodore.)

HERR PIP:                   Johann, go about and follow Force Four.
EMMA:                      But we’ll have to go all the way back to Beccles again.                                   Permission for lower lip to wobble Herr Pip?
HERR PIP:                  (heartlessly):  Denied.
                                 (Puck goes about again.)
SCENE THREE
Half a minute later. Puck heading downriver; Force Four appears heading upriver.

MONSIEUR PIP:     Merci Dieu.  Ils sont ici.  It was a cruel optical illusion played                                  by the upper Waveney. AlIons a Geldeston village.
CREW OF PUCK:        Huzzal
                                (Exeunt Puck and Force Four to Geldeston village to live                                                    happily ever after)

JCD
1998